Focus on feelings, not looks

In one of my September posts, When Observations Become Judgements, I wrote about an upcoming workshop at Frank's school about self-love and body image. I attended the workshop last night, and it was eye-opening.

Loni Markman, the woman who ran it, is a positive body coach who's been working for several years in this field, but the last workshop she ran on this particular subject was a handful of years ago. In updating her statistics, she discovered the age at which our kids are becoming aware of body image and physical appearance has dropped dramatically. It starts at age FOUR now. This is frightening. Maggie is four, and Peter and I lovingly refer to her as "chubby cheeks." Now's probably the time to stop doing so(!), though I'm not naive enough to believe that he and I alone can prevent her from image awareness. But this workshop made me realize we might be putting too much of the blame and onus on school, peers, the media, etc., and under-estimating our own complicity.

One of the things Loni said last night is whenever you find yourself in a conversation with your kids about body image or physical appearance, steer the conversation away from looks and back to feelings. Makes a whole lot of sense. But then she asked a bit of a stinging question: when we are in a similar conversation with one of our peers and even alone with ourselves, do we do this? Seriously ask yourself, do you do this? The answer was no for all of us in the room. If it were yes, our kids probably wouldn't be in the predicament they are. Because even though it doesn't seem as though they listen to us all the time (at least mine don't), they are human sponges and they see and hear everything! So become more aware of your own behavior:

A few illustrative scenarios:

• You're at a restaurant and the waiter offers dessert. Stop yourself from patting your stomach and saying, "I've already eaten way too much! I shouldn't have any." Instead, say something like, "Dinner was delicious and I feel great! I'm going to pass." Even if the former is said with a wink and a smile to your husband, the kids are watching, listening and eventually emulating.

• Your kids are in your room and you're getting dressed. Your jeans aren't buttoning too easily. Hard to ignore, but try not to verbalize your dissatisfaction. "Looks like mommy needs to go to the gym!" sends unhealthy messages to your kids. I've also been known to say things like: "Ugh, I just want to get this run over-with!" Your kids knowing and seeing you exercise is a good thing, so don't shy away from talking about it. But make it a positive rather than a burden. "I'm feeling kind of sluggish today. I can't wait to go to the gym and get back some energy!" I even invite my kids to do workouts with me sometimes - they love it. They think of it as play (we could learn a thing or two from them.)
  
  
  

• At the end of a family vacation you say to yourself (out loud), "I've eaten so much this week I have to go on a diet when we get home." Strike the word "diet" from your vocabulary. Girls are dieting as early as six years old these days. If it's hard to believe, think about the number of people you know right now who are on some sort of a diet. Statistics will tell you that 99% of those who go on diets end up "failing" (whatever that means). So there's absolutely nothing beneficial about diet talk, especially around your kids. 

• If your kid comes home from school and tells you they're fat, don't dismiss it. It's an invitation to talk. There's likely something else bothering them, and certainly something that triggered the comment. Dig to figure out what it is and navigate that problem with them... everything else should follow suit. If they come home and tell you someone else is fat, follow the same same strategy. And when it's appropriate, negate the comment: "What good things can you tell me about (the person)?"

More often than not, we don't even realize what we're saying in front of our kids. It's just the way we talk. But their interpretation of what we are saying is very different than an adult's interpretation. We're more influential than we think!

Now, put the kids aside for a minute. Think about you. Don't go on a diet or change your eating habits because you don't like the way you look. Do it because you don't like the way you feel. Don't eat something because you think it will make you look better. Eat it because it makes you feel better. Similarly, don't exercise because you want to look different. Exercise because you want to feel different. Let your feelings be your guide rather than the scale or mirror. Looks are short-term. Focus on feelings and I promise you the long-term rewards will be greater. (And the trickle-down effect to your kids hugely positive!)

Thank you for the stimulating discussion, Loni!