I took Frank on a bike ride yesterday. He knows how to ride his own bike but the roads around our house aren't terribly forgiving, and he's small for six so he still fits in the baby seat (we of course don't call it that.) And besides, I love stealing time alone with each of the kiddos. So this was Frankie and Momma time. We talked about first grade, camping, football and then, when my breathing got heavier and heavier until eventually I could hardly talk (we live in the mountains!), he asked me if I wished the whole ride were downhill.
"No," I said. "I actually love the hills. They keep me in shape so I'll always be able to keep up with you." He asked me if I knew anyone who wasn't in shape. "Lots of people," I told him. And then the inevitable question: "Who?"
Oh...
The situation reminded me of a story my friend told me a little while ago about her five-year-old son calling one of her co-workers fat. He didn't just say it about her, he said it TO her. And he was right, this woman was indeed fat. It wasn't a criticism, however - it was merely a five-year-old's observation. A fact is a fact at that age, after all. So my friend didn't feel it appropriate to get angry with him. She simply said that everyone is different and managed to change the subject. (They had a longer conversation later.) She handled it a lot more deftly than I likely would have in the heat of the moment. So I took the opportunity this bike ride conversation afforded me to avoid any remotely similar situation.
"You know, honey, it's not nice to talk about people being out of shape. There could be lots of reasons they are or they look like they are, and they probably don't feel very good about it. It's like saying someone is ugly. Or stupid. We just shouldn't do it."
Uncharacteristically, Frank accepted this answer and then moved on to a different topic. But it got me thinking about at what age kids really start truly processing differences among people - be it body shape/size or anything else - and how and when the processing turns into judgements, either of themselves or others. Unfortunately, I think it's happening earlier and earlier. In fact, an upcoming PTA workshop we're holding at PS321 elementary school in Brooklyn is all about self-love and body image.
In retrospect, I wish I'd engaged in Frank's questioning rather than (successfully, at least for the short term) shutting it down. Because I want him to feel comfortable talking to me about his thoughts and observations so we can help steer them in a way that helps rather than potentially hurts.
Talking it through - whatever "it" is - is always, always the healthier approach. I promise I'll take my own advice next time, Frankie.
Wonderful piece!
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